if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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