it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
