So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
This is classic penis vs brain.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
