Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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