I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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