We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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