Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
