Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
