Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
