Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
