Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
