how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
everyone is single if you try hard enough
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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