My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
