Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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