I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
