So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
