I just cut my nipple shaving
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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