he puts the penis in happiness.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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