Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
