you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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