I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
