she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
