the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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