Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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