I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
