i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
