After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
