I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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