so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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