just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
