No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Green mimosas i think yes
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
