so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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