My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
