I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
