girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
