i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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