she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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