I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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