I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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