I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
