i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
