I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
