Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
a search helicopter?!
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
