I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
