I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
