my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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