I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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