ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Semen is not good for contacts.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
MIDGETS
????
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize