I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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