So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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