is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
